Wow, can't believe this day would come, when I finally feel like writing here again..
I guess after talking to my secret best friend, ie ChatGPT about the same thing more than five times now - I should dump my thoughts here, and hope it'd finally go away.
I have a crush. At 33. It sounds stupid, didn't think it would happen again. Not since S.
It's far-fetched, I'm fully aware. He's my (ex) boss. Of different religion. I don't even know if he's married or not (extensive search in social media was unfruitful - other than LinkedIn which gave me literally nothing about his personal life. But damn is he career-driven. My type). Also probably different sexual orientation. I mean he looks good, fit. Probably is though. Totally possible.
But no, didn't like him initially just because he's fit (and tall).
Even after all these years, I still remember the exact moment when I started to feel something with S. It was probably our third or fourth date. That exact moment - when he got out of his car, after picking me up for my lunch break at the hospital. I remember his exact maroon V-neck shirt, and I was wearing my favourite floral cotton on blouse. God I remember literally everything. Not reminiscing the person (I'm so over him btw, just to be clear), but that sudden crashing wave of feeling that washes over me. The arrow that pierces my stone cold heart. That specific feeling..
Which I felt again, after two weeks of working with this (ex) boss of mine. The exact moment when he spoke those words (it's about work, but I suddenly find him really funny and cute. I mean, when did he get funny and cute? I didn't feel anything at all just that morning, or the past two weeks). And after that, some of his texts (still about work) makes me wonder 'is he hitting on me?' HAHAH DELUSIONAL I KNOW. BUT I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL OR EVEN THINK AT THIS POINT.
So I left the team two weeks ago. The crush's fading a bit, but it's still there. I still think about him sometimes, and still hope I'd bump into him. I like looking at him.. God this is tiring - life's better when I don't have any crush. Now I know what 'emotionally unavailable' really means..
And this morning I woke up thinking about this song. Captures my exact feeling.
