Stuck in the black hole that is administrative processing

I actually thought that it’d be easy for me to get a visa, considering my travel history, job, bank statement and current commitments (house, car) - but lo and behold, my visa application was refused - TWICE. Imagine my frustration, living in the pedalaman Keningau and all - where traveling for interview means time and money gone, and shipping takes longer than within WM. SUPER FRUSTRATING K. 

Refusal 1 - the very same visa photo I used for Saudi & India visa was rejected by the US embassy. Reason: cant see the edge of my eyebrow. Fine, my bad.

Refusal 2 - this is where the mystery comes - I have no idea why! I have plenty of reasons in my mind, but I guess I’ll never know for sure. Possible reasons:

1. I wear tudung
2. I have a ‘mohamad’ in my name

3. I work in Sabah - the very state responsible to put Malaysia in the US K-list

4. Single girl traveling alone - they might think I don’t ever wanna return to Malaysia (I have all the intentions to go back, thank you very much)

5. I prolly have too much stamps in a year (I travel to 8 countries in the past year, including Saudi which has an arabic stamp to it- they might think it’s from Iraq or something), it prolly seems suspicious

6. I traveled to Turkey, Saudi and Qatar in one passport - all the countries that were listed in SAO list/List of 26

7. I might have too much in my bank statement, it prolly seems suspicious

8. Or I have too little, they might think I have no money to return to Malaysia 

I highly suspect it’s reason number 5 or 6 though, because I did leave my passport at the embassy. Meaning, they pre-approved my visa application - but prolly after going through my passport thoroughly, they decided to put me in AP? 

Anyways, my visa was cleared after exactly one month post-interview. It didnt matter much if my travel date was sometime later, but I missed my trip that was supposed to happen three weeks after my interview.

And now I’m trip-less but with a $160 worth of visa in my hand, I’m definitely planning one soon! Solo or not, ya gal is doin it. 

speechless and redundant.

I miss you on every waking moments,
and in my sleep.

I guess women really are compassionate, forgiving creatures.
No matter what bullshit you give women, when they love, they tend to forgive.

You really did break me apart. And what kills me even more, is that you don't even tell me.
How insignificant am I to you?
With all those things you told me and all those moments we shared, I seriously cannot understand how heartless can you be.

And because I am full of what you don't have, I forgive you.
For every single thing,
every piece of hope you gave,
every overwhelming and minute emotions you throw at me.

Saya maafkan awak.






And with this I am setting you free.

Adulthood

Harini dapat my very first credit card.

Not to mention I BOUGHT A HOUSE OMG.

Shit adulthood is scary.

In my mind

I guess once I realised I actually do love someone, I kinda freak out.

How did I realise? Honestly I have no idea. The last time we met, everytime I looked at him there's this feeling that I THINK is what people call love. I had to look away sometimes, because it just terrifies me.

Over the years I came to learn that with F, it was just probably lust (okay maybe 5% love). But this is something different.. and I like it.

Again when I fall - I hate falling too deep. Because nothing is certain and I just have to hold back and protect myself. Am I selfish? I don't know. I know my future husband will automagically appear when the time best suits me. I just hate not knowing whether he's the one or not - because frankly I really really really like him. I like talking to him, I like being around him, I like looking at him, I like how his mind works and God forgive me but I kept on imagining how kissing him would taste like. What would it feel like? Would we laugh when we make out? Do we just stare into each others' eyes? Or do I start telling him about that patient in that acute bed that has just died before I went back?

God I think too much. He would've freaked out.

I freak myself out too.

Gila perempuan ni.

My Eurotrip budget

'I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move' - Robert Louis Stevenson. 


Okay, first thing you need to know about Eurotrip. If you’re not the type who love history or architecture or meeting people or just to sit back & appreciate things around you, but just wanna go to Europe to take a picture and upload it on Instagram – please don’t go. I pity people like you, you’re not gonna have fun.

Things you need to know about me my trip – firstly I’m a hardcore planner at heart. And I can be super generous at one time and super stingy at other. This time around I decided to be stingy. Lol so here goes.


1. Flight ticket – use Skyscanner please I beg you don’t waste money unnecessarily. Jangan check in bag if possible – make sure your bag fits the dimension guidelines provided by the specific airline you’re travelling with. In Europe the cheapest and most convenient way to move IMHO is by air. There are tonnes of airlines providing cheap airfares – kena rajin set ‘watched flight’ dekat Skyscanner. For Venice-Rome saja beli train ticket, to get a feel how travelling by train feels like katanya. Anyhow here’s my budget on transport.

• KUL-LHR, CDG-KUL (MAS) : RM 2405
• LON-VCE (Ryanair) : RM 231
• VCE-ROMA (Frecciargento) : RM 196
• ROMA-BCN (Ryanair) : RM 144
• BCN-CDG (Easyjet) : RM 215
• TOTAL : RM 3191

2. Transportation in the city – the heaviest bulk of budget goes to this next to flight ticket & hostel.

• London – mohon beli Oyster card & mohon tap the card each time you make an interchange between underground and overground. We did not, thus kena penalty. So dari budget 25 GBP untuk Oyster card tak memasal jadi 50 GBP. Yang penting after habis guna you can get refund for the amount left & card deposit (5 GBP).

• Venice – obviously Vaporetto or water bus. One way costs 7 Euro mahal gila so kitorang pergi by Vaporetto and balik jalan kaki. One thing to take note, most of the cities in Europe is very walkable. Cuma kena tahan je la bila sesat.

• Rome – also very walkable. Tapi kalau malas bole naik train (or bus). Rome punya railway system is not so extensive, senang nak faham. Beli tiket dekat machine, one way cost 1.50 Euro. Cheapest among other cities we’ve been to.

• Barcelona – t-10 for zone 1 cost 9.95 Euro. Similar to Paris, t-10 means ticket can be used ten times.

• Paris – one metro ticket costs 1.80 Euro, a carnet or t-10 costs 14 Euro. I bought a Paris Visite pass for three days five zones (to cover airport and Disneyland) for 50 Euro. You even get 10% off for certain brands at La Fayette gallery.

3. Hostel. Hostel in Europe is so not like hostel in Malaysia. It’s just like a hotel if you book ensuite double private room. Get the ones with wifi and breakfast and you’ll be fine. I booked the hostels at Hostelworld.com, which is very efficient btw. Our total budget for hostel (thankyou Ya sebab kat Barcelona accommodation & food free hehe) is RM916.


4. Entrance fees – RM470 for Harry Potter Studios, Colosseum/Foro Romano/Palatino & Disneyland/Walt Disney Studios entrance. Theatre kitorang beli on the spot (everything is cheaper if you buy online, people). There’s plenty of options for you to go see. Price range is around 30-50 GBP (31 GBP or RM170 for Les Miserables in our case).


5. Lastly is money. Tak pernah pergi tempat where I won’t have extra money when I get home, because admit it we are all kedekut when we’re overseas (except in Mecca & Medina I tend to spend quite a lot for pharmaceuticals hehe). I converted 150 GBP and 400 Euro (to pay for hostels because we only paid deposit) and I came back with 55 GBP and 45 Euro (equivalent to RM490, goes back into the bank yay!). Be sure to check rates and exchange when it will benefit you the most, I usually check at http://moneymaster.com.my/

6. Total budget : RM 3191 intercity transport + RM 119 deposit hostel + RM 470 entrance fees + money converted and used for transport, food, hostels, souvenirs (95 GBP + 355 Euro = RM1938) = RM 5718. Kalau nak include transport KTN-KL-KTN (by car) and the pembaziran I do in between, I'll just genapkan to RM6000.

7. Extra tips – be careful of pickpockets, they are the ones that you least expect them to be (not the black guys okay pffft double standard much). I almost kena, there was these 2 innocent looking white girls asking for directions, I really tried to help but thank god I noticed zip beg terbukak so I took off. Senang cerita, don’t talk to anyone unless necessary and always jaga2 your bag.


That’s all folks! My next huge trip would be to the States, if Allah wills it. I wanted to go there my whole life, so I will. Married or not, with or without company. Obviously I'll do that after housemanship because geez it's not cheap to go there - and with Malaysia's currency right now...... (speechless). Doakan! I wanna go to NY and the vicinity, with a budget of RM10K. And afterwards it will be Haji if not umrah (and if it is umrah, it'll be umrah & ziarah to Istanbul too inshaAllah). Since I don't see myself getting married in the near future (seriously, where are you, future husband?) , I might as well go travel now kan? :)

15 days to final mbbs exam and yet i'm here.

I have certain issues that's lingering on my mind day and night, making focused studying rather difficult.

but anyways:

1. I do not know how to study. as always. I do not know whether what i'm doing is correct or not, but hey at least i'm doing something. have faith. Allah is near.

2. still can't improve myself in term of always wanting to win an argument. i'm sorry friends, I hope you guys can accept this part of me as it is. because if you can't, you probably should not be considered as my friends after all. i'm probably just born with it. i'm a rigid person and you know it. and change is fucking difficult.

3. one of my best friends is getting married! god i'm so happee. happier to know that the she doesn't even know the guy and the guy went straight to see her parents to ask for her hand in marriage. talk about a gentleman, huh? but still, I prefer if the guy at least introduce himself first to me. I guess. I can just imagine anyway. I don't see myself getting married in the near future.

4. i'm scared of observant people. F has always been observant. and in paediatrics posting there's this guy who is freaking observant and it scares the shit out of me. please don't. please don't observe me too much (or anyone else). even if you do, please keep it quiet. because I really hate how observant people know me better than I know myself sometimes. you people are scary.

5. it's difficult to stay focused in studying when all you do is think of where to go for post graduation trip. I mean, obviously Europe, but which countries in toto? how long? where to stay? i'm not a backpacker kind (and I need the observant guy to tell me this). I spend money because I have money. I mean, why not. but Europe is freaking expensive, so idk. I hope we can still manage to stay in a hotel in each country, not a hostel. I hope.

6. I cant believe how fat I am these days. my bmi finally reached 23. dammit. i'm officially overweight. based on Asian scale obvs, because im Asian. but hey, aint nobody got time to give up on desserts. exercise? I do but probably will just burn at most 200kcal each time. how la.

7. going to library tomorrow. I should sleep.

8. obviously i'll shut down the laptop and then listen to john mayer on my phone, while stalking danny jones and tom fletcher and xiaxue and paul Wesley and whoever I stumbled upon in the explore page because I have nothing else better to do.

#janganjualmahalsangat

A friend said that to me. A guy friend.


The bar set too high? Or afraid of getting hurt again?



I think it's both.

cooler than me (ergo, he deserves an entry).

he spoke good english. i thought he was cool.
his ringtone was the killers' all these things that i've done. i thought that was cool.
he used htc smartphone. so i thought htc was cool.
he was an anaes mo. and i thought anaes was cool.

i mean, seriously. i wanted to be an anaes, just because he was one. and he was so cool.



haha. this was one year plus ago. he was unmarried (he is now. gained a few kgs. but it feels good to see that he's happy). it's not that i really like like him, i just thought he was really cool. so having met him a few days back felt really good to me. he actually asked my name! haha! just imagine your first ever real crush just asked your name (if he doesn't know your name lah). it was fun. i really love to hear him speak. and how he looks me in the eye when he explains things.


okay now i'm officially jealous of the wife. lol. but still, that day was fun, and it remained a good closure to me (cause it's obvi that he's married and all. and p/s: he's the first malay guy i know that actually put on his wedding ring! talk about cool.).


and if im blessed with a son, i would like to name my baby after him  too (provided daddy wont mind. i bet he would :p). just because his name was cool.

in less than 48 hours!

..............and i'm super stoked omg!



songs that i really hope they'll play, pleaseeee.


1. all these things that i've done. my forever all-time favourite!
2. read my mind. cause i dont shine if you dont shineeee
3. for reasons unknown. omg i love this song i dance to it every day >.<
4. runaways
5. be still, or a dustland fairytale. either one.
6. human
7. the way it was
8. spaceman
9. smile like you mean it
10. when you were young
11. jenny was a friend of mine
12. replaceable. i freaking love this song, but it is actually an unreleased track in 2002. and they never play this on tour, so yeah :(


in the meantime, brunch hari ini;

the fruit tart.

so earlier today i gave chee khing, kak eda and farah the fruit tarts i made on Sunday.


on eating the fruit tart,


ck ; wah so nice leh. why don't u have a boyfriend?
me ; -.-


hergh.

the arrogant iFags.

i hate Samsung. i probably hate HTC (the only reason it's okay is because doctor crush was using htc one. those were the times. meh.). and i currently have a strong dislike towards my Lumia.

now i realised how arrogant and annoying iFags are. every phone apart from an iPhone - in my hands, has a cheap feeling to it. omg sumpah over gila. i didn't even needed an iPhone in the first place, but when you lost one, it's like losing one of your limbs. losing your senses. 

i want an iPhone. i need an iPhone. but being a cheapskate i am, it's just expensive, and hard to get one. and after you lost one, it became so so so ridiculously expensive to get another.

i hate this feeling. haish.

i lost my iPhone.

i FREAKING lost my iPhone.


as for the moment, more than 24 hours after i lost my iPhone, my brain is still numb. and i lost all my senses. i couldn't sleep, let alone study. of course i can blame the whole world ; for me not being at home when i was supposed to, for me being there eating at Harbor Place and what not. but ultimately, i know it's my fault. i was careless. i didn't even notice i wasn't holding the phone - until i needed to use it.


this is just too hard. i know i shouldn't be too dependent on it. but i am. i mean, i was. it's where i kept my notes, my awesome apps to play with whenever i'm bored, all my medical apps as references, my 2gb sh*tload of songs, it tracks my period. i can't believe it's gone. just like that. no goodbyes. and yeah i still remember how the keyboard click sounds like, how my last text was from gg, last call was from topek, last game was iron man and last song was kita by forteen. I JUST CANT FREAKING BELIEVE THAT IT'S GONE.


and i got myself a Lumia for the time being. of course there's a lot of drawbacks. being an Apple user for almost a year, i cannot just simply fall in love with this new rm600 worth of Lumia on day one. sabar Azlah, sabar.


Ya Allah, permudahkanlah. You have better plans for me, and Your blessings are always countless. Please help me pass through this. Amin.

and that includes you.

♪ safe & sound - taylor swift ♪

i express loathe, but it doesn't mean i always do. i kinda miss hearing you.

if you're not the one.

so now it's (irrational) love above all, or rational above everything?



*sigh*

don't ask.

she sees him in every thought she had
but never chose to set it free
she takes in all the pain he gave
and made it a part of she.